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Ernest Cline

my septic tank: it likes beer and works like your beer belly

I don’t live too far out in the boonies, but I do have a septic system. I’ve had it for eleven years (since we built the house) and we’ve never had it cleaned out. Before you septic knowledgeable experts give me grief, it’s been inspected every quarter as required but has never needed it.

Until yesterday.

The septic gents (and they were gents, actually) cursed the builder for the way he installed the tanks (at an angle, not in a line), then cursed the landscaper who eleven years ago put two palm trees right on top of one of the tanks. Our septic system is of the aerobic sprinkler system time with three tanks: the first tank, where all of the crap goes directly from the house, an aerobic tank and a pump tank, which pumps mostly filters water into sprinklers for the yard.

They finally dug to the access lid of the first tank, the one hooked directly to the house.

As one of them is prying the lid off, the other looks at me and says “Eleven years? You put Rid-x or something to help the bacteria in there, right?”

“Nope,” I said. “I asked the quarterly inspector dude, and he said I didn’t need to.”

Septic man’s eyes widened. “Eleven years and four people! This is going to be bad.”

The top came off, they both looked expertly in, then looked at me.

“Do you drink a lot of beer?”

“Of course,” I replied honestly.

Apparently my septic tank (other than being somewhat full) was in great condition, thanks to the diligent work me and sometimes my spouse, family members and guests did consuming mass quantities of beer and then purposefully disposing of said beer by pissing in the toilets.

This made little sense to me. I thought bacteria in the septic is what made it work (and putting Rid-x in is like adding bacteria) and beer is mostly yeast.  Apparently yeast products (beer, yogurt, more beer) feed the type of bacteria needed for the septic (as opposed to bleach and other types of things which kill the bacteria).

Can I draw a parallel between my septic and my beer belly? Stick with me here. There is a theory that says when a human takes anti-biotics, it kills some of the good bacteria in your intestines, and the yeast from beer, yogurt and more beer can grow out of control. A pill called Nystatin can be taken to kill the yeast, and you can take MegaDopholis to reestablish the good bacteria.

Just don’t drink any yeast products (i.e., beer or wine) while taking the yeast killing Nystatin…yes, unfortunately, yours truly has tried this, and the results are nearly explosive.

Guys, we all knew it, we just didn’t want to admit it…our gut is a septic system, complete with aerating sprinkler.

Discussion

One Response to “my septic tank: it likes beer and works like your beer belly”

  1. You don’t need to add Rid-X or anything into septic tanks to make them work properly. They get all the bacteria they need from your gut and waterworks.
    I bet you don’t use gallons of bleach or disinfectant, as these are the usual reasons why tanks need emptying so often.

    Posted by Septic Tank | July 30, 2010, 10:13 am

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